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[08 May 2006|11:08am]
[ mood | bored ]

Just a reminder! moved to nytemagik add me bitches lol

Live a little dream

[20 Apr 2006|01:15pm]

ok so ive decided to get rid of this one and start over...im a freak I know...

new journal!! nytemagik

quick update here and much more there...

Ok so my PC freaked out like a week after my last sad depressing entry...so thats why no more updates...just got a new pc... like 2 days ago

Have a job...not a very good one... i work at a supermarket deli... i have to wear a little hat and an apron... and it only pays like one of my bills...but hey i needed a break from the real world and real work so its ok... and im still looking and all...just a lot of companies seem to want certs now and i dont have any nor the funds to get them so whatever... im a lot calmer and not as crazy as a was a few months ago... free samples of medications FTW! ok so thats all im gonna put here...go to the new one!!
Live a little dream

long overdue vent session/update [28 Jan 2006|05:18pm]
Ok so im really in a bad spot... all my friends probally hate me... havent talked to anyone in a long time. WHY?? Because I dont have a fucking job thats why.... I quit my job the weds before xmas.... I went to lunch and just never went back....too much fucking stress there i hated it.... so i did what i thought was a courageous move and decided to quit... well... that fucking backfired.... ive been wanting to quit for awhile i thought i had it all figured out well...i didnt.... I dont have insurance anymore...and my knee is still be evaluated and crap...i cant get the brace i need.... i cant go to PT anymore... i cant do jack shit with it anymore.... Ok so I was an idiot and i actually thought that once you had insurance coverage for an injury and they were already covering it...i thought they couldnt stop just because you lost your job... i thought they just didnt cover for any new stuff.... WELL... how the FUCK am I supposed to know these things??? How does anyone know things if no one ever tells them?? Ok so I realize I am total fuckin moron when it comes to real life stuff.... I dont have any money at all anymore... I honest to god did not think it would be this long without finding a job... I had enough for my bills in the 1st half of the month but that was it... for the past three days ive gotten 3 statements from my bank sayin insuffiecnt funds...thats 3 each day! and its like 30 dollars a pop so that 9 x 30.... which is what?? 270 dollars!!! That im charged now for not having money so on top of all my other bills that i cant pay i now OWE the bank money too... Im on monster.com and career builder.com every single day submitting at least 20 resumes a day...and do you know how many calls ive gotten?? maybe 2 or 3.... out of at least 200 resumes sent.... WTF??? but i do get lots of emails saying i dont have enough expierence or they are looking for people with some certifications....so I decided not to limit myself just to computers.... i have almost 10 years customer service exp. so I've applied to supermarkets and drug stores and retail and everything else under the god damn sun... still nothing.... my car payment is overdue my cell phone is overdue my student loan is now overdue....

OH! and thats another thing.... i tried countless websites for loans....but because i dont have a source of income at the moment i cant get a loan...how much bullshit is that?? I dont have money thats the whole reason i need a fucking loan...but you have to prove that you make money and dont really need a loan in order to get one!!

i am just a big ball of stress lately...im trying everything i can think of to get a job....my mom is getting pissed because i cant pay her the money i usually do...and for some reason they are having a hard time with money now too...i think it has something to do with taxes but they wont tell me...now our heater is broke and i dont know how we are going to pay for that to be fixed....

AND EVERYTHING IS ALL MY FAULT!!! if i knew it was going to be this bad i would have just kept having panic attacks and nervous breakdowns at work...i probally would have ODed on anti-depressants but at least wed have money to pay for the hospital bills!! or funeral costs...whatever... at this point.... i dont know... im really fucking stressed and well Id rather people be pissed off and mad at me then worrying about me....

but whatever... thats it thats why im all secluded and isolated and not in contact anymore...
2 Left a little mess || Live a little dream

[02 Jan 2006|03:57am]
[ mood | lost ]

very stressed lately...
Read more...Collapse )

1 Left a little mess || Live a little dream

[31 Dec 2005|01:12pm]
just fuck it all.. i dont care anymore.... too much shit going on... try to be there...try to ignore my own pain.... just wind up hurting other people again... i dont mean to...im hopeless worthless dont know why people put up with me... im sorry to all ive caused pain to..i never meant to... i dont know how to be normal i dont know how to make my pain go away so can see to others... i dont know how to even try anymore..

thats all

1 Left a little mess || Live a little dream

[26 Dec 2005|11:00pm]
well i survived dinner... had a severed break down before hand...just crying hysterically in my room cuz i didnt want to deal with more people... mom came in and tried to talk to me... then i felt bad about making her worry and started crying more.....

this is why i hate the holidays... no tramitic expierences... just me freakin out for no reason at all and making people worry.... yeah whatever.

im sorry to all you people that like this time of year... but I FUCKING HATE the holidays

there I said it...
3 Left a little mess || Live a little dream

[25 Dec 2005|09:48pm]
[ mood | drained ]

ok so time for the xmas update... lets just say busy as hell... havent stopped running around since weds night really,

Friday went to Jen and Severin's place, chilled with them and Jason and Heather, had a kick ass time, ate yummy food, played a bad game of trivia pursuit... I so suck at that game...also have bad childhood memories from it...mostly because my know it all brother used to win all the time and I would have like no pie pieces at all and everyone else had at least 2 or 3.... i was always the dumbest one in the family and that game alwayss reminds me of that...so yeah not to fond of it...but everyone else seemed to like it...

Saturday... went to my aunt's new place up in Schwenksville... out in east gibbip past collegville and royersford...

today stayed home most of the day...then off to my stepfather's family's place... just got back

tomorrow.... dinner with my dad's family at some place in Media....

ive been having a lot of anxiety and little panic attacks lately... mostly due to being around so many people in such a short amount of time and space.... on weds Ang drug me to her friend Amy's house so I could meet her... not so good with meeting new people... so felt akward there... then on friday for some reason I wasnt really thinking that Heather would be there... and well I only really met her one other time so I was akward there too... then yesterday at my aunts new place... new family members too... her new husband and his kids... akwardness there... and oh goody... tomorrow night... my dad and that side of the family... I am so gonna need to be drunk and stoned before that!!

i feel like such and outsider in my own family then when it comes to other people and their familes! man i feel like i shouldnt be there at all and the anxiety strikes and I have to leave the room for awhile and collect myself again....

yay! for holidays....

Live a little dream

when craziness shits on everything! [23 Dec 2005|10:44am]
[ mood | busy ]

well on tuesday my friend Ang calls me...maybe it was monday i forget... but i havent talked to her in months since at least July...mostly because I was pushing her away because of everything that has happened between us and the fact that shes hurt me more than anyone else has ever had in my entire life...to the point where there was so much hurt that it just stopped hurting and went numb... but every time I talk to her or hang out with her it all comes rushing back and starts hurting all over again...so rather then deal with it I tried to push her away....she didnt mean to hurt me at all... its my fault for falling in love with her when I knew nothing would ever come of it... but she knew how I felt and and knew that I was hurting even though I tried to hide it...so basically it wasnt her fault so dont get the wrong idea here...

well anyways she calls me up asking where the hell i've been and telling me that all kinds of crazy shit is going on... like she left chris... hes the guy that shes been with for 4 years and has a 2 year old with and hes been an asshole since day one and at first I tried to tell her that, but she thought i was just being jealous which i kinda was but I was more concerned about her being hurt than anything else, so after I awhile about 2 years.... i stopped trying and started acting like I got along with him and everything was fine....Well now he got deeper into drugs and alcohol... they got evicted from their apartment because he never paid the rent he spent it on drugs.... and he started getting physical abusive to Ang and the kid... so now she and Hayley are at her parents and chris is supposed to be in rehab... but he isnt...Ang just found out that hes been at work and is stayin with someone...So shes called a lawyer and is going to have a file for a restraining order and a divorce since the actually got married less than a year ago... ( i told her not to do it!)

so anyways shes going through all this crazy drama so I figured Id just suck it up and go for a visit...so after work on weds. I drove an hour up to collegville. This time nothing came crashing back...i didnt shut down and have to force it to go away just to stay sane and not break down into tears... I walked in the door and Hayley got this huge smile on her face and ran over to me and kept sayin "auntie megan! come see!" and was draggin me all over the place...now i havent seen her in like a year and shes only 2....so how did she remember me?? i have no clue but it was cute... So we hung out and talked...and I was still kinda numb.... little things came creeping back but not the avalanche of emotions I usually get when I visit... there was a lot of anger towards chris...to think that he hurt ang and the baby... i wanted to track him down and kill him... lol with a katana of course. but there was none of the 'OMG i dont want want to leave them ever again and just stay here for the rest of life'
feeling. So i was glad of that... i can start being a friend again...

yeah well thats what I thought anyways... that all changed that night... i dont know what happened... im still trying to figure it all out and it probally wont ever happen again... but it started all the emtional turmoil back up... yeah i didnt get to sleep until after 4 that night... Ang decided to break my 4 year record of not having sex..... im still just like WTF happened?? where the hell did that come from?? so now im just as confused as ever!! god dammit!! what the hell did she have to go and decide now that she wants to sleep with me for?? then she was asking if it was mistake and if things are gonna be weird now and that the only reason it didnt happen before is cuz she didnt want to hurt me anymore than she already did and was appologizing for everything that she ever did...and wants me to be more in her life and Hayley's and all this other crap... i was so shocked and stunned at everything all i could do was to say stupid shit over and over again.... i felt like a total fool... then at 4 she went back to her and hayleys room and that was the end of it

and then thursday morning it was like nothing ever happend... it was so surreal... at 9 she brought hayley into my room and she played on the bed and watched tv, and Ang crawled in next to me and fell asleep like she used to do when we lived together... and hayley kept trying to lay in btween us... oh i forgot to mention.. weds night before everything happened she asked me what I wanted out of life and what I was looking for.... i told her then that I didnt know but maybe Id find it out in arizona...well she was sleeping next to me and hayley was on the bed watching tv...i thought to myself...this is what i want outta life... a perfect family just like this one... but I knew it could never be that family... i could never be apart of it the way i want to be... I have my own life to think about...i cant keep trying to be a part of something that will never be.... thats why i was trying to push her away in the first place...so i can concentrate on my own life...not trying to figure out where i fit into hers....

so the rest of the day continued on as normal...then i left at 130 cuz I had PT at 3..... and that was it... i left i called her to let her know i got home ok...she told me to come see them more often and that she wished i wasnt going so far away....

now... i guess we will just see what happens... now i just need to focus on being there as a friend when she needs me and also know that im starting my own life in 7 months which she wont be as big a part of.... maybe then she will know how it feels to be left behind and on the outside looking in on something you want with all your heart but know you can never have... well that just sucks for anyone to feel so no... i dont wish that on her...

16 Left a little mess || Live a little dream

[19 Dec 2005|11:34pm]
[ mood | excited ]

well hey! I just emailed the school again asking to change my major...and like right after I sent it I got a whim and checked my online status...and my program was already changed! d'oh! nice of em to let me know huh? lol oh well!

now I can breathe...its offically global security and intellegience studies!!! ooooo!!! im so excited!! im gonna minor in Asian Studies and use Mandarin Chinese as my foreign language requirement! yay!! im dancin like a monkey again!! in my 2nd or 3rd year I can even study a broad! is that like sex ed?? lol oooo they mean ABROAD! like oversees! heehee thats cool too! i can go to china or maybe Japan! I can buy lots of Pocky!! and cheesy magnets for Jen! heehee i cant wait!

1 Left a little mess || Live a little dream

[17 Dec 2005|10:21pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

tonight was confusing... it was my Karate holiday banquet party thing...not really a place for confusion but nevertheless there it was hanging so thick in the air I couldnt cut it with a newly sharpened katana... well it was awkard last year cuz it was my first one and i still didnt know a lot of people... this year it was awkward cuz I did know people but didnt feel like i belonged... yeah well I get that feeling a lot...but its like theres a lot of teenagers there and older people... i fall somewhere inbetween... I can talk to either group but dont belong to neither... its so weird... and then theres this guy Josh... hes like 2 years younger then me so we always kinda latch on to each other at these things... hes really cool and we talk a lot and goof around and all that crap... but its just weird... I mean hes a guy! and he drives me up a wall... its hard to explain... but i get mad when he leaves without saying goodbye and i find myself looking for him when hes not like right next to me... maybe its just cuz he is so familar ya know? and i need that when im out in social situations... but sometimes i think its more than that and it freaks me out... i dont know... its just weird.... and i dont like it...

and another thing that makes me feel awkward... its like i cant figure out if im one of the guys or one of the girls... i mean yeah i know im a girl...but im always mistaken for a guy...this one time i came out of the girls bathroom in a movie theatre and there was a guy going in the men's room...but when i came out he got all confused and stood looking at the signs for like 2 minutes tryin to figure out which was which...at the time I was amused...but now it just makes me sad.... i want to be cute and girly sometimes... but I just feel like because of the way im shaped and my hair is so short that i just look better in guys clothes and its just easier to pass as a guy than a chick sometimes... but I dont want to be a guy.... i just want to look like a girl again... the only reason my hair is so short is cuz it gets to that point where it wont do anything...its like not short enough to be spiked and not long enough to do anything else with so i just go get it cut again.... so half the time i feel like I defined who I am by the way i look and dress and i dont want to change it up because then id have to redefine myself or something but the truth is I haven't defined myself at all ive just got stuck in a pattern and that defined me instead of me defining it...or something to that affect anyways...

or maybe im just crazy... and im having one of those moments... the ones i always have after some kind of social event where i feel like an outkast no matter what i do or how I dress...incidently i got all dressed up like a girl...i wore black pants and this black sheer top thiny with silver pinestripes and a tie in the middle..it was a total boob shirt... and i did eyeliner and everything... and i still didnt feel quite right.... so who the hell knows...maybe im just part of that inbetween genders thing...

so that was my night of confusion... i think i need to go watch some lesbian anime porn and go to bed! lol

4 Left a little mess || Live a little dream

[14 Dec 2005|11:53am]
[ mood | crazy ]

So i went online and found the email address of my admissions consoulor... and emailed him all my info and which major i have now and what major I want to switch it to... left both phone numbers... and havent heard back yet! im just getting antsy! i want everything worked out now before January so I can properly fill out my financial aid crap... for that I need to know the cost of my major and its a different cost then the one i orginally selected... much cheaper infact... considering there is no flight time and all...

so hurry up man!

Pedro is shedding yet again! that crazy lizard is getting to be giahugic! I want to take him with me! i still have time.... housing info doesnt come out til march...maybe by then a miracle will happen and mom will decided to keep him for a bit or I can afford an apartment out there.... gargh! im trying to rush things too much...

I had a dream last night that I was arguing with my mom and about telling my dad im leaving... it started out with her yelling at me for not calling him on thanksgiving then i yelled about him not bothering to call on my birthday.... then it was like why should i tell him im leaving, its not like we spend any time together now as it is... it just went on and on and was so very real....ha! ive considered telling him im moving to arizona to be with my girlfriend...that way i can kill two birds with one stone.... lol...yeah whatever..

i need to go to the pet store.... i need to figure out how to make pedro's cage bigger.... when he climbs to the top and just hangs there... he is taller then the cage from nose to tall.... he nose touches the top and his tail is still partly on the ground! hes always diggin looking for a way out.. id let him run around if he wasnt so wild and hard to catch... although he did let me pet him for about a minute the other day... then he whipped me with his tail and ran to the other side lol

8 Left a little mess || Live a little dream

[13 Dec 2005|11:50am]
[ mood | cold ]

why is it so cold in the bathroom?? the one place you HAVE to drop your pants (all other places are optional) is always the coldest room in the building!! grrr...

im eating lunch today... i didnt eat lunch yesterday cuz i spent my break laying in my car... which i was tempted to do again today...except that tummy was growling so i opted for some soup instead... but i have a long sleeve shirt, a sweater and a jacket on, and im eating hot soup and im still FREEZING!! brrr...

1 Left a little mess || Live a little dream

[12 Dec 2005|02:31pm]
[ mood | icky ]

well its that time of year again... the time were im sick like every other week... ive been sneezing all day and i have a fever... but no sick days left cuz all mine were used up for my knee surgery... so im stuck at work being sniffily and feverish... and drowsy and yucky... blah!

i wanna go home and eat soup! oh oh oh! speaking of which I got this stuff...its like Ramen but better! its noodles with the little package of seasoning...but its real japanese stuff... its the big thick noodles and there not freeze dried and the package is in japanese... and its so yummy! i bought a bunch at food source the last time i was there... and I want more! i ate two yesterday! My diets has been weird since my surgery for some reason....i dont eat normal hamburgers and crap anymore, all i want is ethnic foods... maybe i watched too much anime when i was outta work...lol naaa...never too much!! i need more!! heehee

mmmm...soup... i wanna go home!

Live a little dream

[10 Dec 2005|09:39pm]
[ mood | drained ]

been hella busy... tonight had my sorta cousin's (step dads nephew) 16 brithday party...at a church (boo) with alcohol (YAY). Spent most of the night chasin and playin with brandon and anthony who are about 2ish i guess and twins. their mom usually has her hands full with the 2 of em so I try to watch out for the little guys when I can. its exhausting! then there was this other kid... have no idea who he was or who he is related too... but he was like 6 or 8 or something... he started chasin me around so I was playin with him too...lol it was craziness!

yesterday my mom and i were out running around all day... shes trying to get in as much mother daughter time as possible now I guess.... which is fine but so so tiring!

im beat!

Live a little dream

[10 Dec 2005|09:39pm]
The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.
Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness!

Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite
Live a little dream

[09 Dec 2005|01:41pm]
So i found out housing info doesnt go out until March... and it doesnt matter that Im over 21...so that makes me feel better and a little anxious... now I have to wait to march... man I just wanna get it all done like NOW! its bad enough i cant apply for finacial aid until next month! lol im so impatient sometimes...then other times im such the procrastnator... like waiting until im 27 to actually go to college... well i have good reasons for that but still...
Live a little dream

[09 Dec 2005|12:15am]
The Window Shopper
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf)

Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper.

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You're a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it's likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You've had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there'll be much more to come.

Your exact opposite:
The Stiletto

Deliberate Brutal Sex Master
Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you're especially capable of obsessing over a girl you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who'll love you back with equal fire, and someone you've grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic woman is especially bad. Though you're drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.

BEWARE: Genghis Khunt

CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach, The Window Shopper

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: raynbowgyrl
Live a little dream

[08 Dec 2005|08:50pm]
so either my LJ or my email is on crack....ive been getting comments like a day or so late... i even got a comment like a week late... so if i dont respond right of way its because something is on crack and its not me...

wanna her something sad?? I'm 26 years old and Im still sneaking around behind my moms back... I went to karate tonight... not to the main class but to Leadership class... all we do is take notes and learn the korean commands oh and today we learned the proper way to tie our belts and took turns on each other... not the whole physical workout we get in the main class... but because it was still karate and my mom woulda freaked if i told her i was taking class... I put my uniform on under my jeans and shirt... and hid my belt in my coat and said i was just gonna go watch and give them update about my knee... how pathetic is that?? i dont want her to worry about me so instead of telling her I sneak around...

oh I got my acceptance packet today... forms and stuff to fill out... all of its for flight...so I called my admissions consuelor today to ask about switchin majors...but i got a voice mail and left a message. That was at 2:00. I still havent heard back. Guess he isnt in today or something. And another thing...I didnt get any info on housing... the packet mentioned something about if your under 21 your required to stay in student housing the first year and fill stuff out and return it.... so I dont know... maybe Im too old for student housing? That will so throw off my whole budget estimations and crap! So i need to ask about that too.... I really hope im not gonna be the old chick on campus or anything... by the time I start im gonna be 27.... and Ill be 31 when I graduate.... I know thats not old by most standards but im not so sure about college standards... oh! but maybe then i can act all motherly like to the younger college girls so when they get all drunk and wasted I can take care of them....hmmmmm...... lol man its been too long since I dated!! heehee

so theres lots of stuff I gotta figure out... i know it seems like there is still plenty of time but I want everything worked out so I dont have to worry about it in the next months. I can just spend my time being with my friends and being here in PA and not have my head wandering off to Arizona. Know what I mean?
1 Left a little mess || Live a little dream

[07 Dec 2005|08:57pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

im so sleepy, I had physical therapy tonight and I did all the stuff i usually do but this time I used the weight machines and damn am i exhausted!!

Im glad I have off tomorrow! I want to start xmas shopping or something... plus i want to sleep in some. YAY! for sleeping in the cold winter all snuggled in a nice warm blanket with sleeping kitties on the bed!

Live a little dream

[07 Dec 2005|08:24pm]
Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In May I stole chubby_poet's purse (-30 points). Last Sunday redheifer and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). Last week I gave controladdict a kidney (1000 points). In July I farted in an elevator (-6 points). In March I helped jess2002far hide a body (-173 points).

Overall, I've been nice (802 points). For Christmas I deserve a pony!


Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:
Live a little dream

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